6 Surprising Things That I Really Wish I’d Been Told About Menopause
Help! My body’s been hijacked by aliens
As a lass in my 20’s I remember catching snatches of overheard conversation between my mother and grandmother about menopause. I heard all about the dreaded hot flashes and night sweats, dry skin and thinning hair. It all seemed so foreign and weird.
I hate to admit this, but as a twenty-something, I thought anyone in their 40’s or 50’s was truly ancient. The challenges of middle age lay far ahead in some hazy distant future. Surely a cure would be discovered by the time I reached that distinguished age.
As I approached my 50’s with no cure in sight, I figured I’d outsmart the dreaded blight of menopause by partaking in bioidentical hormone therapy. All was good for a couple of years until an adrenal problem cut short my HRT journey. That’s when I found myself jumping into the deep end of the menopausal pool.
I recalled those overheard conversations of my youth and thought I knew what to expect as a lady of a certain age. I was ready for it — finding long strands of hair lining the shower drain and alternating between freezing to death beneath layers of blankets before kicking off every single one in a sweat-induced frenzy became a reality.
No One Warned Me About This
What surprised me were the things no one bothered to mention. It wasn’t until after talking with friends that I discovered some weird signs of middle age aren’t that uncommon — we just don’t talk about them. Here’s six things that surprised the hell out of me:
Facial hair
No one told me I might resemble the bearded lady at the circus in middle age. Thanks to dropping estrogen levels, dark wiry hairs began appearing on my chin almost overnight. The more I tried to eradicate them with vigorous waxing, the more would crop up. It was like battling the mythical Hydra. No sooner would I lop off one hair than two more would spring up in its place.
Within months I was sporting the kind of robust facial hair that would make a pre-pubescent boy proud. The three-week long wait between waxing appointments became an impossibility unless I wanted to lock myself behind closed doors and avoid all social contact by week two. No amount of foundation or concealer could hide those hideous black hairs peeking out from my face, as if to say “Hi! How ya doin’?”
I finally gave up the good fight and resigned myself to using those cute little touch up razors to essentially shave my face every damn day. I like to tell my friends I’m not shaving — I’m microblading.
Belly fat
For most of my life I’ve been fortunate to have a fairly flat tummy. A few months ago, I noticed that weight gain and a growing mid-section began sneaking up on me. The 10 pounds or so that I gained found its home right at bellybutton level.
I was surprised to catch a glimpse of my profile in the mirror upon stepping from the shower. I had come face-to-face with a body I last saw when I was 5 months pregnant with my son.
Had I not had a hysterectomy a few years ago I would have been on the phone to my GP wondering if I were in for a mid-life surprise. It’s one more thing we can thank for changing hormones and middle age insulin resistance.
Migraines
In my late 40’s I began experiencing excruciating headaches. They’d come out of nowhere and it felt like my brain had been clenched in a vice grip. The pain would intensify to the point it induced nausea. The only remedy was to lie down in a completely dark room for hours on end.
I had no idea what was happening until a friend mentioned I was likely suffering migraines. A visit to my doctor confirmed that hormonal changes can bring on these raging headaches. I learned that symptoms often peak at puberty and again in perimenopause.
Acne breakouts
I was a lucky teen. While my friends were suffering from oily skin and acne breakouts, I sailed through middle school and high school with nary a blemish. I must have been a little too smug back in the day. Karma caught up with me when I began breaking out like a hormonally-charged teen. Here I am in my 50’s experiencing clusters of acne outbreaks all along my cheeks, chin and jawline. Damn these hormones.
Between the facial hair and acne, there are days I more resemble an adolescent boy than a middle-aged woman. Instead of buying the latest antiaging skincare products, I’m hanging out in the teen acne section of the drug store.
Brain fog
No one warned me about menopause mind. Some days focusing on anything for more than 10- or 15-minutes feels like a battle. I drift around in a perpetual fog, forgetting where I’ve left my keys or glasses. Sometimes I find myself walking into another room to get something, only to forget what I was after.
I started worrying that I was suffering from an undiagnosed neurological issue. After a little research, I discovered brain fog is a common experience. One article in The Guardian mentioned that nearly 2/3 of women in their 40’s and 50’s experience it.
Vaginal dryness
Okay ladies it’s about to get real and I’ve saved the best for last.
What’s up with a master design plan that says we’re no longer allowed to be sensual creatures in our 40’s and beyond?
Going into middle age, no one warned me that things “down there” would get drier than the Sahara in summertime. I chalk up this particular element of surprise to women of my mother and grandmother’s generation not discussing “the dirty deed” in general.
As a newlywed, I’m quite proud of my rather healthy sex drive and was disheartened at this unexpected development. Thank goodness for a good water-based lube. Am I right?
Summing It Up
Years after overhearing those menopause conversations between my mother and grandmother, I’m disappointed that we haven’t figured out a way to call the whole thing off. Until it happens, we’ll all have to face menopause sooner or later. It’s a big change and it comes with some surprising symptoms. No wonder they used to call it “the change of life.”
Have you already been there? Are you in the middle of perimenopause or menopause? What are some of the weirdest symptoms you’ve experienced?
Source: The Guardian: Menopause Brain — The Inability to Think Clearly Is Not All In Your Mind. https://www.theguardian.com/society/2021/oct/10/menopause-brain-the-inability-to-think-clearly-is-not-all-in-your-mind
