Don’t know what to do? Here’s 4 steps to help you make the right choice
Plans are good until they aren’t
It’s a beautiful thing when life goes according to plan. Then there’s the moments when something unexpected happens and all those carefully crafted plans turn to crap. That’s when most of us start flailing around like a drowning person, grasping for a lifeline of what to do.
I get it. I love structure and have an almost compulsive need to know what comes next. I’m a recovering control freak who lives with constant low-level anxiety. My deep-rooted need to plan things way in advance and knowing exactly what to do keeps me in a calm, happy place.
Life: The ultimate plan disruptor
When life throws in a plot twist, it disrupts all those hard-fought plans. The result: confusion and frustration at not knowing what to do.
I spent over ten years balancing work and life as a single mom. It gave me tons of practice in dealing with all kinds of surprises. It wasn’t easy and it took me a few years to figure out how to manage uncertainty without going into panic mode every time life took a new turn.
Before that, my first instinct was to react fast. There I’d be, on the hunt for a resolution in a state of high emotion and without all the facts. I felt like I was at least doing something. In reality, that path usually mucked things up, leaving a lot of cleanup and backtracking in its wake.
Then something magical (well, almost magical) happened. I went back to university for a master’s degree in health education. I took a huge interest in the health coaching courses they offered. Of everything I studied, those classes alone were worth the cost of the degree. The coaching skills I learned were incredibly helpful. I put them to work in my life and soon felt more confident at managing unexpected challenges.
What to do when you don’t know what to do
If you’ve ever found yourself in a situation where you don’t know what to do, you’re not alone. Here are the self-management steps I use when the unexpected happens and I don’t know what to do next. I call this the PERC plan (Pause, Evaluate, Resolve, Connect).
Pause
The first instinct is to take quick action when plans fall apart. The downside of reacting quickly is this: when the unexpected happens, we don’t always have all the facts at hand. Acting in the heat of moment without all the details feels productive. It can also come back to bite you later if your early assumptions turn out to be wrong.
Pausing puts distance between an event and your reaction. It creates space and buys you time. A pause lets you check out the facts and check in with your emotions so you can digest what’s really happening.
How long you pause depends on the situation. It can last anywhere from a few seconds to as long as a few hours or days. In the space between event and action, pausing re-establishes a sense of calm. It allows you to gather the information you need for a more meaningful and measured response.
Evaluate
Once you pause, you get space to step back and see the situation for what it is. That’s where the next step, evaluation, comes in. Investigate, ask questions, check in with what you’re feeling.
Try these questions to help you evaluate what’s really happening.
- How does this impact the bigger landscape of my life?
- How much of my reaction is “my stuff” versus someone else’s “stuff”?
- What pluses and minuses come with this new curve?
- Does this open up a new opportunity for me?
- What learning can I get out of this situation?
Putting things in writing can bring clarity. Make a list of the pluses, minuses, challenges, and opportunities. As you evaluate your options, decide on the outcome you want. From there choose the path that will take you toward that outcome.
Resolve
Not knowing what to do can make you feel vulnerable and like you’re a passenger along for the ride. Evaluating your options is a way to feel more in control and confident. Once you understand your options, you can now take action. Here are a few ways you can manage an unexpected situation:
Resist
Most of us don’t like it when something happens to disrupt our plans. We often go to great lengths to avoid change and resistance is a natural reaction. Trying to force the situation to bend to your will can feel productive and sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.
On the one hand resistance can make you feel in control of a situation. It can also leave you locked in a bitter, exhausting battle with little progress. If you feel stuck in limbo, you can always pivot to another strategy. Try something new if resistance isn’t working and you feel frustrated.
Respond
Use all the available information to decide what you’ll do. Maybe you want to change your existing plans to fit the new situation. You might decide certain people aren’t worth the drama, so you choose to remove them from your life. Or you decide you’ll invest time or money in learning a new skill to better adapt to change. Whatever you decide, draw up a plan for your next steps and then take action.
Release (Let that stuff go):
Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. Letting go can be very freeing, especially if there’s not much you can do about a situation. Letting go means trusting things will work out exactly as they’re supposed to in the end. Sometimes the best gift you can give yourself is the ability to walk away and let that stuff go.
Connect
Not knowing what to do can lead to feeling overwhelmed and you may want to hide from the world. The safe and cozy haven of your darkened bedroom may be calling your name. Sometimes there’s no better refuge than hiding out under a tent of warm blankets with the shades drawn. When things are uncertain, being around people might be the last thing you want but it may be exactly what you need.
When life throws a surprise your way, human connection can bring comfort and clarity. Lean on friends, family members, or even a club or a social group for a sense of community.
Talk to the people you trust most and ask for their opinions and ideas. They have distance from the situation and can share a perspective you won’t see from close up. Even if they don’t have all the answers, friends and family can provide emotional support as you work through your next steps.
Final Thought
Life never goes 100% according to plan and surprises are inevitable. If the unexpected happens and you don’t know what to do, think PERC: Pause, Evaluate, Resolve and Connect to help make the right choice for you.
