Notes from a Recovering Control Freak: 5 Things I’m Doing to Let Go of Things I Can’t Control
My international marriage is teaching me to calm my farm.
I married my handsome Aussie husband in January. After three blissful months together, he had to return home while the immigration system does its thing. It looks like we will have another year of living between two continents and there’s nothing we can do to change that.
Our last day together in America was a whirlwind of activity. My husband was boarding a flight to Sydney, with me leaving the same day for work meetings on the East Coast. I felt robbed of a proper goodbye and I resented missing our last precious moments together before his departure.
I was grateful for a three-day business trip filled with intense planning meetings. It helped delay the inevitable reality that the love of my life was once again 7,500 miles away. When I returned home, the stark silence of a house so recently filled with vibrant laughter and love hit me like a sucker punch. I sunk into a haze of anxiety and sorrow as our first weekend apart progressed.
After two years of international dating, and now marriage, I’m over the whole time and distance thing. The novelty has worn off. I’m ready to get down to the business of a life together — one where we’re actually together in the same place.
If you ask my family and friends, they’ll tell you I’m never going to win any awards for patience. I’m more of a get-it-done kind of girl. Not to mention I’ve always been a bit of a control freak (it helps me keep my raging anxiety in check most days). The feeling of being in a situation I can’t control, is not a happy one. I alternated between sadness and anxiety for days. I felt like shit and found myself going to a dark place. Something had to change. I needed to manage myself and my circumstances in a different way or I would be in for a long and painful year.
I’m learning as I go
I’m learning a lot about patience and the art of self-management while my husband and I do life apart. My experience is teaching me about dealing with those annoying things I can’t control.
If you’re dealing with something you can’t control, check out these simple tips to restore peace and calm to your life.
Patience is your friend
You can wage an all-out war against your circumstances. If things are beyond your control, you’ll find yourself locked in a bitter stalemate. Making friends with patience is a good thing because it helps you play the long game. It’s in the long-term where the juiciest rewards are often found.
Instant gratification is a real part of modern life. It’s super easy to get addicted to that sweet dopamine hit that is a short-term result. Look at some of the most compelling success stories and you’ll discover the big achievements come with time and sustained effort. Without patience most people give up, quitting the game before they cross the finish line.
Bonus point: Cultivating patience is good for your body and mind. Patience reduces stress levels and contributes to a positive outlook on life. It helps you build stronger relationships and friendships. Patient people are generally kinder and more accepting of other people’s quirks and faults. Everyone benefits from friendships where we’re accepted and not judged.
Here’s what I’m doing to exercise my patience muscles:
- Getting back into my daily meditation practice
- Journaling in the morning and listing 3 things every night that I’m grateful for
- Noticing when I’m feeling impatient and responding with an affirmation: “I’m in this for the long haul. I trust the process. I’m closer to the goal every day.”
Control what you can, let go of the rest
The only things we have control over are our thoughts and actions. Trying to change anything else is as effective as banging your head against a locked door hoping it will swing open. Releasing what you can’t control starts with awareness. Know what is and what is not within your power to change.
A tool I use to help me figure this out is a simple two column list. On the left side I write down what I can’t control. On the right side I write down an alternative thing that I can do something about. Once you know the difference between the two, choose to release the things you can’t control. Instead, focus on the areas where you can make an impact.
Invest in face-to-face connection
Being without my husband sucks, no doubt about it. It’s a key physical connection that isn’t available, but I still have other people in my life that are nearby. I make a point to reach out to friends and family regularly.
Spending time with the people in my life that I can see face-to-face keeps me in a good place. While the ability to spend time alone is part of being resilient, on the flip side we can go down a dark road when solitude stretches for days or weeks at a time. Life’s challenges tend to loom large and menacing when we’re lonely and feeling weak.
Our brains thrive on the stimulation that comes with community and connection. Face-to-face interaction helps ground us in the present. Being present keeps us from obsessing over everything we can’t control.
Do this today: Call or text a friend, make a date and get out of the house.
Manage your physical well-being
If you’re getting pulled into the swirl of things you can’t control, physical exercise is an excellent way to get out of your head and back into your body. Exercise reduces stress levels and lowers blood pressure. A vigorous round of cardiovascular exercise releases endorphins for an all-over feel-good vibe.
Craving calm? Yoga and Tai Chi can help you manage nervous energy, get grounded, and restore a sense of calm and well-being.
Have a pet project
Learn a new skill, take a dance class, paint the house, explore a new hobby like photography or join a book club. These are a few simple examples to channel your energy into something positive. Having a project brings about a sense of meaning and purpose. It helps anchor you in the present.
Another benefit: Learning a new skill requires an investment of time and effort. Getting immersed in the learning curve focuses your mind on the task at hand. Take action and seek opportunities for personal growth and development. Focus on you (it’s okay to be a little selfish) instead of allowing the things you can’t control to get you down.
Some new things I’m trying are training for a 5K run and starting a book club with my daughter.
What project will you embark on?
Final Thoughts
We’ve all got something in our lives that’s beyond our control. The good news is that there are areas where you can make a difference. The first step is managing your thoughts and actions.
Feeling stuck? Today is a good day to do something different. Take on a new way of managing life’s big and little challenges with a few simple steps. I hope you find these tips helpful on your journey.
