Ten Steps for Letting Go of the Past and Focusing on the Future

There’s no doubt that if you’ve made it this far through life, you’ve experienced some kind of hurt, betrayal, or failure.

The question is not whether you’ve been hurt. No, my friend, the real question is: What are you going to do with the past? Life is full of choices and in this case, you have the option of dwelling on old wrongs and shortcomings or of looking ahead to build on the foundation that has been laid for you.

If you’ve ever experienced the feeling of being stuck, you may wonder: Is it normal to hold so tightly to the past? The answer is: Heck yeah!

Human beings have a built-in drive for survival and our animal brain is hardwired to favor security to ensure that objective. In present time, the threats we face are a lot less about physical predators waiting to devour us and are much more rooted in mental and emotional stressors. Even so, our drive for self-preservation keeps us clinging to the familiar — even in situations that aren’t so good for us. Change, even positive change, means venturing into the unknown. Instinctively, we fill the void left by uncertainty with fear. This often forces us to choose between the comfortable safety of the known and the vast world of possibility that comes with change. This is the point where most people get stuck.

The good news is that all is not lost. Just because we’re wired to favor safety doesn’t mean we have to be relegated to living in a painful past. There are real, actionable steps you can take to leave behind the hurts, resentments, and sorrows of past experiences, freeing you up to build an amazing future.

Letting go of old negative experiences is freeing — you get a chance to clear the slate. Closing old doors on the past opens a whole new world of possibility and an opportunity to bring more joy and happiness into your life. So how do you move on from a past that you’ve been clinging to so long, it feels like you may have to surgically remove it?

Getting beyond the limiting beliefs and emotions of the past is a two-part proposition. To put the past behind you, you need to:

• Release the Past
• Direct Your Energy Forward

Part 1: Release the Past

Cultivate Self-Awareness: Get to the bottom of why you’re holding on to specific past events. Awareness is the beginning of the journey, because until you get to the root of your attachment and understand why the past has such power, it can be a challenge to release the past. One of the best explanations, I’ve seen explaining the power our past holds over us comes from Tony Robbins when he links our attachment to the “emotional weight” that a traumatic past event can carry. Studies show that vivid memories can activate the same areas of our brain that are triggered when an event is happening in real time. When you delve into a past memory, you’re essentially reliving the whole thing — body, mind, and soul. How crazy is that? The past is over, but you’re living the past all over again, right here in the present moment — it’s like bad mojo time travel. Consciously building self-awareness in this area can help put a stop to those old, painful movies that run over and over in your mind.

Own the Experience: Taking ownership of the experience lets you take back your power. Once you own the experience, you can choose how to handle any similar situations that come up in the future. When you are in your power, history doesn’t have to repeat itself. You become confident in the ability to do something different next time.

Part of owning the experience is about putting a stop to the Blame Game. Spending time and energy deriding those who have wronged you only serves to deliver your power straight into their hands. When your thoughts are targeting the past, you lose your energetic advantage because where your thoughts go, so follows your energy.

The flip side of Blame Game is hanging out in the past hoping for an apology. Realistically, you’re not likely to get it — the person who wronged you has probably moved on and the event is far behind them. Are they really that deserving of your power at this point? If the answer is no, it’s time to stop giving away your power. Let me repeat that: STOP GIVING AWAY YOUR POWER.

I know, I know — it can be a bitter pill to swallow when you have to become the bigger person and forgive someone who’s wronged you, especially when the other party doesn’t appear to feel an ounce of remorse. Let me share a little secret: You’re not forgiving them for the good of their soul — the act of forgiveness is about releasing the past and freeing YOU to live your best life. It may not be easy, but forgive them, release them, and then unapologetically claim your power.

Don’t become your past: You are not your past, so take care that you don’t wrap your identity in the past. It’s over. It’s done. You don’t live there anymore. The stories we tell ourselves are powerful and without even noticing it, you may find yourself locked into a victim identity. This leads to a feigned helplessness that is easy to fully buy into because it’s safe. You get to keep a low profile, people will tiptoe around your feelings, and no one expects too much from a victim. It’s time to come back to the light my friend: This is where you live now — in the present. The past happened. It hurt. It no longer owns you.

Evaluate Your Attachments: You know that awesome feeling of freedom that comes from decluttering your closet or a room in your house? You too can achieve that same feeling from decluttering your attachments. Letting go of unhealthy people or things can help you feel more at ease. An attachment can be anything: an old relationship that’s keeping you stuck; the ex-boyfriend’s shirts that are still hanging out in your closet; or the ongoing need for parental approval that never seems to come. If you have a connection to a person or thing that keeps hurting you and is stopping you from moving beyond the past, it’s time to think about releasing that connection. Let it go and free yourself in the process (One of my favorite mantras in this situation is, “I release you to the universe and reclaim my freedom.”)

Find the Lesson: Within every hurtful past event lies a lesson. The art of gracefully releasing the past is all about valuing the lesson while discarding the negativity. Consider that the lesson may well be the reason the universe put that awful event in your path. You survived and your very presence here today is confirmation that you passed the test. Now it’s time to let go of the emotional charge. Grieve for what’s lost, set a (short) timeframe as a mourning period, and when it’s over, use the lesson as a foothold for your growth.

Helpful Hint: Be intentional when releasing the past. Old habits die hard and you may find yourself dropping back into old thoughts and habits. Affirmations, meditation, or journaling can help keep you focused. If you find yourself trying and trying to release the past and no matter what you do, you can’t seem to move on, it’s more than okay to work with a professional. You may need a little advanced assistance to get unstuck. A good therapist or counselor can be a perfect partner to get you over the initial hurdle.

Part Two: Focus Your Energy Forward

It’s really hard to move in two opposing directions at the same time. That’s why the ability to direct your energy forward is the 2 ndpart of moving beyond the past. Focusing forward does two things: (1) It eases your grip on the past; and (2) It puts you on a positive trajectory that builds momentum. Since the future is where you’re going to live, it’s a good place to focus your energy. To get moving forward, try these steps:

Find your purpose: Discover your mission and understand the why behind it, then build on that foundation. Your mission could be anything from finding a new hobby or passion, to having a health goal like going to the gym or losing weight, or even deciding to learn something new in preparation for a career change or starting your own business. Take on a project that involves both thinking (goal setting/planning) and doing (acting) to increase feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment.

Reframe Your Story: When hearing someone recount a past incident, different perspectives can shape the telling so much that when you hear these accounts, you may think you’re hearing about two totally different events. A story can be told from a victim point of view: focused on hurt, loss, and anger — or it can come from a victor point of view focused on what the experience taught you, how you came out a stronger person, and how the event laid the foundation for the person you’re becoming. Overcoming and surviving are ideas worth celebrating. We have an ability to draw either negative or positive energy from the past. Taking a positive view doesn’t negate what happened. The hurt was real, but it no longer owns you. Use positive energy to build your future. Remember where your focus goes, your energy flows.

As you reframe your story, you get the bonus of redefining you. Our brains like patterns and labels and when we get immersed in a situation, it’s easy to fall into the trap of labeling ourselves based on old experiences. This is your chance to rewrite your story. The past may be in the books, but you now hold the pen and hundreds of blank pages lie ahead. The rest of the story is yours to tell.

Own Your Happiness: It’s a losing battle to place all hope for happiness in anyone else’s hands. You are the only one with the authority to make you happy. If you’re struggling to find happiness, start by seeking out gratitude. Gratitude is the precursor to happiness. Even in the worst situation, there’s something to be grateful for and when you find the gratitude, happiness will come. I know how hard this step can be. I’ve been in a place where I wondered if I’d ever be happy again. At rock bottom, I clung to gratitude to get me through. You may have days where the only thing you can find to be grateful for is that you woke up healthy, had enough to eat, and a place to sleep. It may not feel like much, but that’s a pretty good start. Feed your happiness — even the smallest grains of gratitude can do the job. Once started, the gratitude-happiness cycle has a cumulative effect.

Have a Mantra for Moving On: When you find yourself dwelling on thoughts of the past, catch yourself. Pause, take a moment to breathe, and say “Yes. That happened — and I’m a [stronger, smarter, better] person for it.” Or “I don’t regret what happened — everything I learned is creating my future success.”

Be present: There is only one time in the history of the world when you have the ability to make a difference — and that’s this very moment. The past is over — you don’t live there anymore. The future is a vision — it hasn’t happened yet. Right now, as each moment arises is your opportunity to change everything. Be present for this moment. Don’t miss it because you’re stuck in the past or dreaming of a distant future. Whatever you choose to take on, make sure you’re there for it.

Wrapping it Up

It may feel intimidating, but getting over the past can be the catalyst that launches you into your future successes. Releasing old stuff can be hard, but the good news is there are proven steps to help you dig out. The ten steps I’ve listed above offer a roadmap to help get you started on releasing the past and building your future.

Here’s the thing… You own your story and the choice of what you’ll do with it is all yours. The past is over, now it’s time to write the next chapter and shape your narrative.

Originally published at https://www.kailynsarros.com.