What the Worst Year of My Life Taught Me About Leadership
Check your baggage
When my first marriage ended, I lived through what became known in our household as the Lost Year. I was in the middle of a brutally contentious divorce and the money was running out. The people I thought were my friends vanished from the landscape overnight and I struggled with my recent single mom status. The effort of trying to shelter my two young kids from the storm left me physically and emotionally drained.
As the fighting between my ex and I intensified, things got bad — and the bad turned to worse. It felt like the entire universe was conspiring against me and my self-confidence withered beneath an endless barrage of self-inflicted fear and doubt. To put it in simple terms, I wasn’t handling any of it very well. I spent a lot of time alternating between bitter tears and railing angrily against the injustice of my circumstances.
To add more sh*t to the pile, I was also struggling to run a start-up business with a team of 20 employees. What had once been my dream of owning a luxury day spa had become a nightmare, as my ex and I battled it out in court over child custody and division of the “marital assets”.
“Leadership is practiced not so much in words an in attitude and actions.” ~ Harold S. Geneen
Not once did my team approach me with their fears and uncertainties. I didn’t have a clue about the impact my personal issues were having on my team. That’s until I started overhearing snippets of conversation spoken in hushed tones as they walked the hallways or sat in the breakroom. That’s when I began to understand how very aware they were that their boss — and the owner of the company where they worked— was deep in crisis.
I noticed how my team played off of my energy. For every unanswered question, they filled in the blanks with worst-case scenarios conjured up in their minds. A toxic vibe of negativity began to permeate the building. If something didn’t change, I knew my team would abandon their jobs one by one, until I alone remained. The captain always goes down with the ship after all.
The realization that things could get even worse, that I could lose my business, hit me with the intensity of a glass of ice water thrown in my face. While spinning wildly through the turmoil of my own emotional storm, I had failed to monitor the pulse of my team.
Long hours of soul searching (and a few glasses of wine) brought me face to face with a damning reality — I was the root of the problem. The poison that had leaked into the business and was frightening my team was coming from me. My raging emotions and secret fears were on display for all to see, and it didn’t do anything to inspire confidence. It left my team wondering how much longer they would have a job amid the uncertainty caused by my actions.
“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” ~ Nelson Mandela
I needed to check my baggage — and fast. I no longer had the luxury of showing up at work as an emotional mess. There could be no more sprinting distractedly through the door at midday with eyes red and swollen from crying. No more hiding in my office away from my employees as they valiantly worked to hold my business together. My team needed to know they were in competent hands and that someone cared about their interests. They needed a leader they could follow without fear.
Life Lesson: Being a hot mess does not encourage confidence.
I eventually got through the divorce and was able to turn things around. Along the way I learned some things about leadership that were worth more than anything I learned at university.
Leadership Lessons in Times of Crisis:
Because it’s happening to you, doesn’t mean it’s about you:
My team didn’t need to know how desperate my situation was. My crippling fear, financial woes and emotional struggles weren’t their problem. Leaders don’t overshare. They don’t make it personal. Instead, they set the tone for a collaborative atmosphere that encourages confidence. If your life sucks, no one in your professional circle should have a clue how much it does. Find a friend or a therapist and share the hell out of that sh*t with them.
Your example sets the bar:
If you want a team that feels motivated and gets things done, you’ve got to lead by example. Create an environment where everyone can win. Acknowledge exceptional work often and in public. Coach those who are struggling and offer criticism in private.
One of the best gifts you can give your team is to listen to them. They have their own lives, with their own fears and concerns. Sometimes work is the one place they can escape their worries for a little while. Build a sense of job stability. Help them see that their work has purpose and meaning. Encourage your team to have confidence in you by making sure they always see you as a professional who is calm and competent, no matter the challenge.
When you need to be “on,” bring your A-Game:
No matter who you’re dealing with, stay focused and engaged. Dress up and show up 100% ready for your customers and your team. Bring enthusiasm, curiosity, and quality to every interaction. If you’re having a particularly difficult day, take a minute (or ten) to get into a good frame of mind before walking through the door. Breathing exercises, grounding techniques or taking a short walk can help create a sense of calm before you face the world.
Shift your perspective:
So many people want to give up when faced with challenging circumstances. Having lived through some wild times, I can tell you that even the ugliest days do pass.
Like Winston Churchill said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” Don’t abandon hope and never surrender. Tough times are temporary. A bad month or year doesn’t have to turn into a bad life. While you can’t control your circumstances, you always have the final say in how you respond to them.
Discover the things that encourage optimism and invite more of those things into your life. Look for something you can be grateful for every day, even if it seems small and insignificant. Shifting your perspective will help you become more resilient. Resilience is key to becoming adept at meeting life’s challenges head-on.
“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.” ~ Thomas Paine
When I look back on my lost year, I still see how much it absolutely sucked. The tough times passed, but I had to deal with it for a while. I remember what it was like to feel caught up in emotion, on the verge of totally losing it. I’m grateful for the wakeup call that stopped the slide and saved my business.
Even when I wasn’t feeling it, I stepped through the door of my business with a smile and enthusiastic greeting for my team, ready to start the day. I stopped hiding and made myself visible. Engagement with my employees and customers became a top priority.
Change didn’t magically happen overnight. To be honest, it was a long, drawn-out slog, but over time things got better. My team picked up on the confidence and calm I projected and together we created a work environment based on a foundation of collaboration and purpose.
Despite some hefty challenges, the business went on to win several “Best Of” awards and The Golf and Travel Channel featured it in a segment on their show. By the time I sold the spa a couple of years later, it had gained recognition as a favorite go-to destination.
“The key to winning is poise under stress.” ~ Paul Brown
My journey wasn’t easy. It took time and effort to keep things on track and bring about meaningful change. Having weathered the storm, I can share that the outcome was worth the effort. Don’t lose sight of the long game.
Bottom line: Check your baggage at the door.
It doesn’t matter if you run your own business or work for someone else. If you’re going through something in your personal life, don’t bring it to work. Don’t generate drama and uncertainty. Bring a positive attitude to everything you do — even if you have to fake it at first. Be present and calm. Be the one that others see as confident and credible — traits that will help get you back to an upward trajectory and on to better times.
